I Crack Myself Up Sometimes

Here’s something fun to do if you’re bored.

And you’re a dog.

(And I’m both some days.)

Freak Them out. I mean REALLY. Freak. Them. Out.

It’s easy enough, especially if you’ve let Them think all these years that They’ve trained you to stay off the furniture unless you ask permission.

(You know..lay your head on Their knees and look up with that expression… yada yada yada.)

There’s no shame. I do what I have to –- when this place is empty I OWN this house and everything in it.

Moving on.

Freak Out the Humans Step One:

Let Them get all comfortable in Their after-work conversation about dish detergent or whatever They find fascinating. Man it’s boring sometimes, but you know your own humans.

You’ll see Them sort of sink into Their chairs, knock Their shoes off, that sort of thing. She usually folds up one knee and sits on Her foot – He lounges out so long you’d think He was Marcus Aurelius dictating the Meditations.

So I read, so what?

Getting back to it. Encourage Them to open that second bottle of wine by ‘accidently’ knocking over the last of the first one. DO NOT ask to get up on any lap or chair or whatever you normally ask to get up on at this point in the proceedings. Those laps are tempting. I get it. Don’t pay any attention to them.

Freak Out the Humans Step Two:

When They’re a glass into that second bottle, whine just the tiniest bit – maybe like twice. Just at the empty room. That last bit is pretty crucial. No sense whining at those dumb cats – or the door – or that sweet little ball. Empty room. They may or may not notice this. Doesn’t matter – you’re just setting the stage.

Freak Out the Humans Step Three:

Here’s where it gets fun. Walk right past the both of Them, lounging and laughing like everything’s good. Walk past those laps you never walk past. Walk deliberately up to the empty chair, put your head on the seat cushion…

…and ask permission.

From the ghost.

Cause you ALWAYS ask permission. Cause you NEVER talk to empty furniture. So it can’t POSSIBLY be anything else. That’s the brilliance of the scheme.

Stay there for a few minutes. Long enough for them to start talking about how the room feels cold.

Of course it helps if they sometimes think that the ghost of the cool guy who built the house looks after it. That helps a lot. He was pretty cool. And he loved this place. It could happen.

Like I said, you can only do this if you’re a dog. Cats spend their lives walking around giving chairs dirty looks and staring at dead flies. Who’s going to notice if they suddenly do something weird? They ARE weird. But dogs are woke. Crazy woke.

And a stunt like this just proves it.